August 17, 2019
One of things I have learned about my spiritual journey that began when I was a young mom with two toddlers, many moons ago, is that it never really stops. Just when I think I have mastered something, whether this is a belief about myself, having boundaries, healing my childhood issues, old toxic relationships, older and newer wounds from sexual trauma, a new experience will happen to cause me to revisit the past, creating deeper healing. The Universe has an interesting way of bringing forth situations to cause me to pause and reflect, bring a new understanding to an old trauma or grief, which was what happened to me recently.
A few weeks ago, I popped into a fabric store recently suggested by a seamstress I know by the of name, Eloise. She told me about a store that “had every fabric imaginable” and even better, a staff that actually give’s a rats ass why you are there in the first place and will bend over backwards problem solving, answering your amazing or not so brilliant questions. As of late, I have had difficulty sourcing a natural silk material used for making garments. Not only that, I needed a wholesale price.
Eloise was right by all accounts. Every aisle was crammed with rolls of vibrant cotton prints to elegant silks and lace, zippers, buttons and other embellishments I never had thought of before. Upon leaving this place, I felt wildly satisfied that any question I might have in the future could be resolved by the friendly staff. I may not have found out where they had purchased a silk that I loved, but she did give me a few pages of contact information of local businesses and specialists who could possibly help me get my business off the ground and running, as they say.
As I was getting ready to leave, it felt good realizing that the ideas that have been circulating in my brain that began at the end of last year, are now materializing before my eyes…tiny step after tiny step. Denver appears to have more connections and resources for my new business than Florida, which cuts down on my frustration tremendously. There is any easy flow of information that comes to me when I need at the perfect time.
Since I have come back to Colorado, I have been more aware of me making decisions with people, places and things by checking in with the way I feel inside. Are the people I have just met helpful or withholding? Do they give good energy or send out thick Ju Ju? If someone does not return a call, or some other block happens to prevent an action from going further, I look at it as a door closing, so I will move in a different direction.
It’s not easy making decisions in this way since my very young programming taught me to deny my true feelings, ignore my gut. And, my husband (at the time) ignored or denied most of my thoughts, beliefs, feelings. So, I have a lot of catching up to do, as far as reorganizing my thought processes and trusting my intuition
Once out on the open road in my car, I got a bit lost and pulled off the main road and landed in an entryway, that looked safe enough for me to do a quick U-turn. It looked familiar, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. When I looked up at the sign above me, I was gobsmacked when I realized I was at the entrance of a state park where the man who raped me over 5 years ago took me the following morning. Suddenly, my past had merged with my present. I was beside myself with curiosity. Wow. Dare I go in?
This was no damn coincidence!
I decided to drive down the dirt road. I felt excited and twirly feelings deep in my stomach. Suddenly, I found myself smack dab in a long line to go into the park. My rational mind was shouting, ‘get out of here.’ I eyed a break in the line where I could turn around and head out of the park. Instead, I decided to beat down that pesky voice. I persevered; Stayed strong, as I proceeded down the road.
A memory flashes forward of me with the man who raped me. I say rape now, but at the time when I was with him, he told me nothing happened sexually when I asked him. What was I to think? I woke up in his king sized bed. I was naked. He had cotton briefs on. I felt self conscious and pulled the sheets up to my shoulders. I remembered my husband introducing us at the bar downtown and how my husband kept pulling him back to talk to me. After he would do that, he would leave us alone again. I was so annoyed that whole time. Why did he keep leaving me with this guy again?
Now, it appeared, I had the answer, but I was still groggy, feeling out of it. This man and I made small talk. I had s vague memory of my husband taking my purse. That was where I kept my cell phone. I made sure that I had brought in case my oldest son needed to call me. He was 17 and going to his first prom. I realize I don’t have a way to communicate. I asked to borrow Eric’s, But he tell’s me some cockamamie storiy that he lost his phone and is waiting for a new one. I smell bullshit. I just want to get out of there.
”Do you know what time it is?”
I said, “My husband will be so worried about me.”
”Why do you think that? He doesn’t give a shit about you. He gave you to me last night.”
Upon reaching the park attendant at the gate, I switch gears in my head and bring my thoughts to the present moment. I pretended that I was actually interested in camping, swimming in the reservoir and the other amenities the park attendant was telling me about. I took the brochures and literature she handed me and smiled with feigned interest. I told her I was just getting information and would come back some other time. Because, who knew? Maybe I would. She said it was okay to turn around .
I quickly looped my car around the ranger station and headed towards the exit sign, down the dusty road with tears streaming down my face. I turned to the right because that was the only way I could go and eased onto the busy road, realizing of course that I needed to go in the opposite fucking direction again and pulled off into an apartment complex. My old friend, Panic Attack came back, less fierce than previous times. My mind was in control and I was going to command my body to calm down, realize that aIl I need to do is just breathe…count 1, 2, 3 breathe, and so on, without moving to a scary hyperventilating state that I’ve gotten caught up in so many times.
To be continued….