Today is April Fool’s Day 2019 and also the day I am first going to be writing this blog/journal (?) freestyle. Hmm. That’s an interesting word, isn’t? One might think I am referring to skateboarding or snowboarding. Some sort of wild, adventurous thing to do to cause your heart to palpitate and raise the eyebrows of others watching you on the sidelines, wondering what the hell will happen next.
Today is also the day I was called into court four years ago for questioning about my mothering and what I knew about our financial matters, among other hot topics by my husband’s lawyer, mine and even the judge. What a peculiar day for divorce court. Don’t you think? By the end of the day, I was expecting to receive the official legal papers to sign that states that I am no longer married, but was told, instead, that I had to return for another round of questioning the next day. April Fool’s. You will remain married another day.
What you might find here, in this special space, are pieces of me that I have held deeply inside, afraid to take note of, so I have just brushed each one aside. Since I first had the inkling a year ago that I should write again, I realized I had lost most capacity to do so, much like a new amputee forgets they don’t have a limb to walk on and falls flat on their face. I had to do some re-arranging in my life to get to this place of peace that summons wonder and inspiration. If you are interested in all of that, you may wish to take a look at my earlier blogposts first.
It still takes me a long time to write a post. Like the amputee, (I hope I’m not offending anyone here) I have specialists, or rather editors, who have helped show me my errors, so I can take note and hopefully learn. I won’t kid myself here, but it has been healing to reveal my work without judgment to at least one person, even though I know I have to pay them to read it!
This system worked for a while, and I’m certainly not going to give up the people who have helped me polish the experiences that I have written about thus far. It was getting pricey, however, and the turnaround time was slower than my liking. My mind was off to the races as far as subject matter, but my slower abilities could not catch up. And, then I lost the experience because life marches on with new experiences. In other words, the system I had set up was not moving in line with my internal rhythm.
I found myself with blog posts that had a second part, but I couldn’t complete them because of various reasons. Maybe it was self-consciousness, or inability to flesh out a scene the way I thought it was supposed to be done, or the way others might think it should be done, causing me to feel frustrated and stuck. It’s freeing to have the liberty to write about challenging scenes in a simple way like “See Jack run” and be able to go back to that sentence later and expand it out more and more. Isn’t it?
I know I could write in a journal, but to put my thoughts up here in public is helping me stay honest with myself and commit to writing on a schedule. Maybe I am helping someone else besides myself? I’m not much of a journal writer with lined pages but have always written on a computer because it’s quicker for me to alter it if need be, or just put it away if I have had second thoughts. Writing organizes my mind, like putting scenes in a filing system that I know I can reference later. This worked for me when I delved into my childhood and that other challenging time when my writing first began. Why wouldn’t it work for me now?
I was going to call this page My Journal, but then I saw an empty page on my website that I had created years ago called I Won’t Shut Up. Initially, I was going to put up my inner child stuff there, along with whatever I deemed forbidden, and I just might still, but will add in whatever else is crossing my mind. (I will let you know how to get to that writing after I figure it all out.)
My ex-husband was loud, boisterous, spoke for me, ignored my thoughts, dismissed my experiences of not being “real.” Explaining myself, trying to get people to understand me has been happening since I was a wee girl. I realize that now. I hid in my marriage. He protected me in so many ways. I guess that is what I miss the most of being in that relationship, because now I have to deal with the wolves by myself, and that has not been so easy. It’s not comfortable moving out of one’s comfort zone. But he did show me that I need to take up space in the world (because I’m worth it) and be damned if I have to admit this, how to run a business, sell and buy a home. Some of those experiences clobbered me, but it’s worth exploring for the first time here.
My words that I write are for myself. I’m not here to debate, convince, challenge, or offend anyone. I’m not a therapist and do not proclaim to be the master of anything—except quite possibly my own life. I’m merely letting you in on my spiritual process, uncensored, uncut, and how I moved from point A to point C. Maybe you will go on your own journey. If so, I wish you luck, love, and protection. In spirit, I will be by your side.
I AM ready to explore a new way of writing that fulfills me. Won’t you join me?