One month ago today, I received an email from someone I have never actually had the privilege to meet in person. When I was still living in Colorado, I was planning an escape plan. I already knew the route. I would drive the farthest north I could to Florida instead of driving along the southern coastline, a recipe that I knew would create a humidity disaster. I needed a professional’s advice, or perhaps permission, to go to Florida, even though my heart was telling me to to go forth—just do it already.
But questions swirled inside my head like hungry crows about ready to descend upon a fresh kill on the road below. Had I done enough for my son? Years from now, would he consider my leaving as abandonment? The point of being a stay-at-home mom was to raise children who would not have to spend most of their adult life reprogramming themselves. These were just a few of the questions that were haranguing my brain.
I chose Patricia after I had read her free e-book about PTSD. I was sold once I had found out she had firsthand experience of conquering PTSD from her early life and had tools to teach others. I also had admired that she hung up her hat as a therapist since she could not subscribe to the way the mental health field diagnoses with labels and treats people with prescription drugs. As a coach, she is able to help people, but in a more authentic way. She was the manifestation of my own beliefs.
It took me three times to finally leave the situation, even though it felt wrong in each attempt. But, by then, I had a good idea about what an abused wife goes through when leaving a spouse, even though my situation revolved around a divorced spouse and an adult son. Each time I had decided not to go, and moved through the dreaded cycles until I got fed up again, Patricia was there for me on the other end of the phone. Our conversations revolved around my getaway plans; and, when I did not succeed, she would remind me of the previous conversation, of the plan I had described before, what foiled it, and what I needed to do to succeed the next time.
I felt ashamed of being in this situation. It was like the horse running back to the burning barn. It had never occurred to me that my inner child was making the decisions out of trust, and for comfort.
After seeing her video, between her and her own coach, Alyssa Nobrigga, I wrote, ”I didn’t read your e-mail beforehand. I saw the name Patricia, but I didn’t quite make the connection. I pressed ’play’ on my tablet and I walked away to wash my hands. Then I heard your voice.”
Since my arrival, I had been trying to find a therapist in south Florida. Patricia was four hours north. I had reached out to a few people, sized them up over the phone, but most were way out of my price range. I had told Patricia that she had helped me move out of a very bad situation, which in of itself was a miracle. I had admitted, ”Me seeing you was like witnessing a part of me! That was a very powerful interaction and dialogue for me to take in between you and your coach.”
”Yes!! See how we are similar? Everybody has scared, confused and powerless parts inside of them. The work is to call in the Confident Leader, who we truly are. I am so joyful this served you to see it!
“Know that you are the one who you have been waiting for, and you have everything you need, and refer to the video and any other reminders as touch points. I’m so honored to have served you, and I’m still here for you!”
The next day, I felt out of sorts, melancholy, and reached out to her again. ”I’m actually having a lot of feelings come up since I saw your video. It’s a little overwhelming. So I tried to call it a night and go to bed because I couldn’t come up with anything to write about on my blog anyhow. I spent most of today in a funk.”
I had admitted, ”As I lay in bed, overwhelmed with feelings, the girl inside of me began a dialogue, so I talked back to her and tried to comfort her like the way you showed on the video.”
The encounter baffled me, but I knew what to do. ”I hummed a song to her. The one my mom used to sing to me. Too-a-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral. Do you know of it?”
I asked my coach if I could share the video and our exchange. ”Yes, absolutely you can share! That is an amazing blog idea, your sharing the medicine! So proud of you!!! This is everything. You did it! Celebrate with your inner child and ask what she’d like to do.”
Patricia asked me, ”Ooh one question, when you say comfort like I showed on the video, did you place one hand on your heart and another on your belly?”
”Yes, ” I beamed. ”I placed my hand on my heart and the other on my belly!”
”Love it!!!! Thank you so much for the feedback. It is priceless.”
I originally thought the emotional fog was so thick that I would never find my way out. That little bit of opening that happened released just enough to help me feel restored and happy the following days. It’s surprising how one ordinary experience turned into a big deal. This was not the first time I have interacted with my inner child, nor will it be my last.